Monday, June 13, 2011


Before you start reading this post I must warn you to stop reading it. Yes. If you reading any further be ready to read things which are GROSSER than those you have ever read. If you are a girl, thats it. Do not read any more. If you are less than 18yrs of age, again thats it. No reading this.

Enough with the build-up. I have induced enough curiosity for you to read further. Its human nature to do things which are told not to be done. And yes, I know you are a girl and you still reading this(If you are a boy, ignore this sentence). Now lets go to the actual topic.

I’m about to join a new company in a few days. This company asked me to get a medical check-up done before I joined them. They mentioned the list of clinics and hospitals where I can get this done. I happened to go through the list of tests that I needed to take. The list itself somewhat made me sick. So many test, and you had to clear all of them. Come on, you can’t expect a person to answer all the questions in an exam, correctly. You are bound to fail in few.

So I and another friend decided to go the evening before the day of check-up and inform them that we would be coming the next day. So that we don’t get anything wrong. We informed the concerned guy about our plan. He told us what we needed to do. No food intake for 10-12hrs, no smoking or consumption of alcohol during this period and be there tomorrow by 8am. He then gave us two plastic containers. Now I started to wonder what was the second container for. So I asked him, “Why two containers..?” like an innocent little girl. He said “One for urine and one for stool” (for few of you educated illiterates stool here is not something you sit on. Its your shit). And I was like “What..?” For that he just answered, “Your number1 and number 2. And don’t forget, bring your 1st sample”. Ya we are Indians and we wash our shit off our ass with our hands, but thats no reason why I shouldn’t feel gross about this.

It was the second grossest thing I have heard or conversed about shit. The 1st one being, when my grandma says, “I used to wash your ASS after you shit when you were young”. They say it with such pride and authority in front of dozen of your friends and relatives. And you can do nothing but give one of those stupid smiles.

Even before I could get out of the grossness of the things that I just heard I was in for another shock. My friend told me that, one of his friends who had to take similar test had to pull down his pants so that the doctor could check his NUTS (I had warned you). That thing just blew my mind away. Now what has the company got to do with my huts.? I’m gonna work using my head not my nuts..!! They had absolutely no business with my nuts. So I decided, there is no way I’m gonna pull down my pants. Never. There is no way I’m going to let another man handle my nuts.

So I went the next day with my 1st samples. I had to wait for my blood test. There were lots of people. When I say lot, it was lot. One by one everyone went in to let their blood be sucked. After my blood was sucked, I went for X-ray, then ECG, then Ultrasound. All others went through the same procedure with an extra task of getting their first samples. Yes, others who came directly to the clinic on that day were asked to get their samples in the clinic itself. How I thanked myself for coming the previous evening. It was kinda funny to watch everyone walk around with their shit and pee in their hands. Not literally of course. Then we were asked to keep our samples near a counter with our names labeled on it.

While all this was happening one guy had a problem. He was not able to shit. He told the clinic guy about this. But the clinic guy replied like a strict school teacher, “No sir I cant do without your samples. Its OK, take your own time. Have your breakfast and then get me your sample”. I just wondered whether a human digestive system is a pipe or what, put something in the top it comes down right then. I read humans take 7-8hrs to digest their food. Funny guy, I thought. A lady who overheard this had a smile on her face. Looking at her smile I had a smile. Its like one of those moments when your Biology teacher was taking a class on Human Reproduction, and he/she draws a diagram of, well you know, the reproductive parts. And then you and your friend look at each other and smile, irrespective of the gender. Ya. The same kinda thing. You smile not because of the actual thing, but you and your friend had the same thought about that thing.

After this we were asked to go for our breakfast and come back after 1hr for another round of blood sucking. So I had my breakfast and went back after 1hr. I saw the Guy-who-didn’t-get-shit with a broad smile on his face. I assumed that he was able to shit atlast. So I let my blood be sucked once again. Then the clinic guy asked me to come back in the evening to get the Doctor’s consultation.

So I went back in the evening. I had to wait for a long time before the doc called me in. He went through my reports, looked at me, and again went through my reports, then again looked at me. Then he asked me.

Doc – Do you smoke..?

Me – Yes but No. Yes I used to but no, not now.

Doc – Do you consume alcohol..?

Me – Yes. If beer is considered so.

Doc – How often..?

Me – That depends on the frequency of me and my friends meeting.

Doc – Did you have sex in the last 24hrs..?

Me – No. Not even in the last 22yrs.

I wish I answered like this. But my reply was a sincere No to all the above questions. Well, you cant be entirely true always. Isn’t it. So the doc checked my pulse, heartbeat, BP and certified that I was medically fit. And I wasn't needed to pull my pants down(Thank God). All this to tell me which I already knew, that I was “Medically Fit”. It was like telling Rajinikanth that he is a Superstar... :-)

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