Wednesday, June 22, 2011


As the dream of most parents I had acquired a job as a software Engineer and joined a company based in USA, it was as if a dream had come true. Here at last I was in the place where I wanted to be. I decided I would be staying in this country for about five years, which would be sufficient to have earned enough money to settle down in India. My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat. I wanted to do something more than him. I started feeling homesick and lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to my parents every week using cheap international phone cards.

            Two years passed, two years of Burgers at McDonald"s and pizzas and discos and 2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever the rupee value went down. Finally I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10 days of leave and everything must be done within these 10 days. I got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and was actually enjoying shopping for gifts for all my relatives and friends back home. If I miss anyone then there will be talks.

             After reaching home I spent one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the time was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate. In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in 2-3 days, as I wouldn't get more holidays soon and they could not wait long. After the marriage, it was time to return to USA, after giving some money to my parents and telling the neighbors to look after them, we (I was lucky and managed to get the visa of my wife early) returned to USA.

                 My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started feeling lonely. The frequency of calling India increased to twice a week & sometimes 3 times a week as she also had to call her parents. Our saving started diminishing. After two more years we had kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and a girl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to my parents, they asked me to come to India so that they could see their grand-children. Every year I decide to go to India, but part work, part monetary conditions prevented me. Years went by and visiting India was a distant dream.

                  Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents were seriously sick. I tried but I couldn't get any holidays and was stuck up in the procedures and thus could not go to India. The next message I got was that my parents had passed away and as there was no one to do the last rites the society members had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents passed away without seeing their grand children. After couple more years passed away, much to my children's dislike and my wife's joy we returned to India to settle down. I started to look for a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years. I had to return to the USA.

                    My wife refused to come back with me and my children refused to stay in India. My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my wife I would be back for good after two years. Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American and my son was happy living in USA. I decided that enough is enough and wound-up everything and returned to India. I had just enough money to buy a decent Two-bedroom flat in a well-developed locality. Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby place of worship. My faithful wife has also left me and gone to the holy abode

                     Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this? My father, even after staying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the same, nothing more. I lost my parents and children for just ONE EXTRA BEDROOM. Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. This damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children are losing their values and culture because of it. I get occasional cards from my children asking Am I alright. Well at least they remember me. Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will be performing my last rites. God Bless them. But the question still remains 'was all this worth it? I AM STILL SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER......

Note: This was not written by me. I received it through a mail from my friend. All credits duly go to the original AUTHOR.

Friday, June 17, 2011

What Goes Around Comes Back Around

I read this story from Panchatantra. Found it really interesting and immediately decided to write about it. It may not be narrated in the same way as the original one, but I will try to present it in the best way I can. Even some extra bits might be added to the story.;-)

            There once lived a Mouse king and its Kingdom. He had a son who was destined to become the King later. This little mouse had another little female mouse as a friend. They were very fond of each other. They always played together. One such beautiful day they were playing in the jungle. A hawk which was flying high in the sky happened to notice them. It then suddenly dived sharply towards them. Noticing this, the two mice started running to save their lives. But they were no match to the hawk’s speed. The hawk with its searing speed caught hold of the female mouse.

            It started to rise up again in the sky. The female mouse struggled to loosen itself from the vice-like grip of the hawk. But it was impossible. While crossing over the Ganga, the hawk tried to change the mouse from its one claw to the other. But it lost its grip and dropped the mouse while flying.

            The mouse which started to free fall from the sky, fell into the cupped hands of great sage Yajnavalkya who was performing his ablutions in the Ganga river. By the combined power of the great sage and the holy water in his hand the mouse was transformed into a baby girl. The sage took the child to his home and asked his wife to raise her as their daughter.

            The child grew up to be a beautiful girl. When she reached adolescence Yajnavalkya decided to marry her off. He planned to arrange the most excellent marriage for her. 

He first summoned the sun-god Surya, who appeared at his ashram. But the girl thought he was too blazing hot (Not in contemporary sense..:P). Yajnavalkya asked the sun if there was anyone greater than him. Surya recommended the cloud, because the cloud could cover his rays.

            When the cloud came, the girl deemed him too black and cold. The cloud was asked if there was anyone greater than him. He suggested the mountain, who alone could stop his progress.

            When the mountain came before the sage, the girl said he was too rough and stony. And the mountain, when asked, recommended the king of Mice as his superior, because he and the other mice made holes in him.

            When the king of Mice was called, the girl fell head over heels in love with him. She immediately agreed, thrilled with ecstasy. But they had a problem; he was a mouse while she was a human. So she asked her dad to transform her into a mouse. She was transformed, they were married and they lived happily ever after.

              Now that was an amazing story. But stories from Panchatantra always gave us a moral. When I started to think about the moral, I came across not one but many.
1)      No matter how well you bring up a pig, it will go back to eat the Potty.
2)      Love is blind, irrespective of the species.
3)      Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. But many a times they need an Eye check-up.
4)      Girls are dumb at times. She could have easily asked the mouse to be transformed into a Human.
5)      Child marriage was predominant in India, right from the time we could ever imagine.
6)      Destiny is such a Bitch. It will pull you down when it wants no matter how high you are.
7)      And last but not the least, “What goes around comes back around”…

P.S – The above points were entirely for the sake of fun. Do not take it too seriously. And Panchatantra is a book of such pride for the rich Culture and Heritage that we have got. I would like to ask every one of you to read it at least once in your lifetime..:-)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

How to make a masala Telugu Film

Now. Everyone would have gone through a moment where, when you were watching a movie you would have thought what if you were a character in that movie, how would you have reacted to that situation, what kinda decision you would have taken, how happy or sorrow you would have felt, how perfect your pair would have been if it were you, how you would have fought or how you would thought. For few of those who sink their legs even deeper you go on thinking how you would have choreographed, or written a dialog, or composed music or directed a movie.

            For the past few days I have been watching a lot of movies at theater. Particularly Telugu movies. Two theaters in the vicinity of your home and colorful posters on all the walls, you are bound to be tempted. And being the person that I am, you wouldn’t wonder at that. But due to the overdose and the quality of the movies I have been watching, I seriously started to contemplate whether I could make one and also be successful at it.

            You may start to wonder whether I’m kidding here. But no. I’m real serious. After-all its not that difficult. And after watching so many movies (telugu) right from my childhood, I think I have gained enough knowledge or expertise to make one. Its like how you learn to cook. All you need are right ingredients and a thorough knowledge of when to add what. So here I will explain to you how to make one, a-la cookery style.

Preparation Time– Anywhere between 1month to 1yr, sometimes even more.

Right time to prepare – All round the year but depends on the availability of funds and Superheroes.

Right time to serve – Again all round the year but extra special if served during festivals and national holidays.

Duration of the movie – Normally around 150 mins.

Ingredients – Now this is the most crucial part in the process. You get this right and you are bound to taste success.
1) Songs – Anywhere between 4-8, usually 6 in number. The 1st one is usually an intro for our superhero and the last one an item number. The other four are usually dream sequences in any of the exotic locales on any phoren land (a strict NO-NO to India) or grand colorful set. Or any combination of the above two. And occurrences are to your choice, mostly when the audience least expect them.

2) Fights – Now this is another important ingredient. If songs are the salt in the masala then this has got to be the chilli/pepper in it. Atleast a minimum of three, the more powerful our superhero is, more the number. Styles range from Kung-fu, karate, kick-boxing, muay-thai to silambam, kusthi, sword-fighting to slapping the villain if it’s a female. Sequences usually involve breaking bones, wind shields of cars, roadside shops, blowing up buildings, cars.
Chase sequences – I will not list this as a separate ingredient, but a subsidiary of fights. Usually involves villain chasing the Superhero and ‘Damsel in distress’ or Heroine in the beginning and vice versa in the climax. May have just running on legs to being chased by 100 Tata Sumos.

3) Comedy – It’s another important ingredient. Varies from few scenes to the entire length of the movie. Usually not associated to the story of the movie and sometimes run parallel with it. Performed by the comedy artists like Brahmi, Ali, Venu, Sunil, Thanikela Bharani and others. Sometimes few of them and many times all of them. During few cases our Superhero too contributes to the act.
Sidekicks – Like Chase sequences are to fights so are Sidekicks to comedy. Sometimes comedians themselves serve this purpose. They are basically used to praise our Superhero and support him, help him in his love and DIE to bring out the hidden animal (usually Lion) in our hero. And there are sidekicks to the villain too. They are used to shout at high decibels, wield weapons (machetes and axes, strictly no guns) and keep traveling in Tata Sumos, kidnap Heroine and runaway when villain is going to be killed. They are usually heavily built, sport long hair, handle bar mustache and beard when compared to Superhero’s sidekicks who are short, fat and are easily beaten up by children and other people.

4) Location – Most of the times the story takes place in Rayalaseema which essentially means Kurnool and Kadapa. Nowadays even Bellary (my hometown :-)) is included which is in Karnataka but they consider it theirs.

5) Villain – Another important ingredient. Cant do without him. Smart, handsome, powerful, rich, and fearless. Sometimes easily confused to be the Superhero if not shown killing people, raping women, beating children, wearing too much jewellery and driving black Scorpios (sometimes BMWs, Audis and Mercedes). Usually wears Silk shirts and white pants but in few cases known to wear designer Suits.

6) Damsel in distress aka Heroine – May not be considered as an essential ingredient but still the presence is required. May not contribute significantly to story. Most of the presence is seen in the songs wearing dresses which reveal more than what they cover. Many a times daughter of the villain or will be chased and loved by him. Always beautiful (read while sleeping, while waking up in the morning, while bathing, while being chased by villain and his goons). Well-educated, mostly rich, egoistic and mainly, wouldn’t have loved anyone till she meets our Superhero. In few instances more than one in number, requirements matching the testosterone levels of our Superhero. Usually one of them dies or sacrifices our Superhero for the sake of other. And sometime all three live happily together saying 'Awesome threesome'.

7) Superhero – Mind it. He can fly, he can leap over tall buildings, run atop moving trains and move the standing ones just with dialogs (Jai Channakesava..!! ;-)), evade bullets or even stop them a-la Matrix style, stop machetes and other sharp weapons and bend them with his bare hands, kicks asses of 100 badies in a single blow, challenge villain at his home, slide a horse below a truck and ride a car over it. He is a loving son to his parents, protective brother to his siblings, helpful friend, honest citizen, charming lover and a great leader. He never promises anything and never goes back on his word if he ever promises. He can dance to any tune, perform steps that can put Chinese gymnastics to shame. Kill goons with his bare hands, no others can hit him on-target and he will never miss a target. Deliver a page length dialog in a single breath. With all this ability he is no more a Hero. He is a SUPERHERO.

Procedure – This is what is called as the Story. But there’s a Twist in the story. Basically there is no story at all. Yes no story what so ever. Lets do some mathematics now.
6 songs of 5 minutes each                      = 30 mins
3 Fights sequences of 10 mins each        = 30 mins
Comedy track in the story                       = 30 mins
Scenes showing Villain’s evilness           = 10 mins
Scenes showing Heroine’s beauty           = 10 mins
Scenes showing Superhero’s heroism
from different angles                               = 10 mins
Scenes where our Superhero delivers
message to 'The society'                          = 10 mins
Scenes where our hero romances or
Saves our ‘Damsel in distress’                 = 10 mins
Total                                                      = 140 mins

            So you are left with 10 mins of void, which is normally filled with a Flash-back where the villain kills our Superhero’s parents and his family. Or our Superhero and our Heroine get separated during childhood, who then meet after 18yrs. Or he is a orphan, therefore goes in search of his parents. Or becomes a billionaire from a broke (usually shown in a song). Steals from the rich (read villain) and donates them to the orphanage and hospitals which treats the poor. Or take a rebirth to fulfill the tasks which he left unfulfilled in the last life. Or unite the families of his lady love which are separated. And many other such things. Usually any one this is used or a combination of more than one is used to fill the void.

            So there you go. My simple guide to prepare, oops sorry, Make a Masala Telugu Film. Hope you find it helpful…:-)

Monday, June 13, 2011


Before you start reading this post I must warn you to stop reading it. Yes. If you reading any further be ready to read things which are GROSSER than those you have ever read. If you are a girl, thats it. Do not read any more. If you are less than 18yrs of age, again thats it. No reading this.

Enough with the build-up. I have induced enough curiosity for you to read further. Its human nature to do things which are told not to be done. And yes, I know you are a girl and you still reading this(If you are a boy, ignore this sentence). Now lets go to the actual topic.

I’m about to join a new company in a few days. This company asked me to get a medical check-up done before I joined them. They mentioned the list of clinics and hospitals where I can get this done. I happened to go through the list of tests that I needed to take. The list itself somewhat made me sick. So many test, and you had to clear all of them. Come on, you can’t expect a person to answer all the questions in an exam, correctly. You are bound to fail in few.

So I and another friend decided to go the evening before the day of check-up and inform them that we would be coming the next day. So that we don’t get anything wrong. We informed the concerned guy about our plan. He told us what we needed to do. No food intake for 10-12hrs, no smoking or consumption of alcohol during this period and be there tomorrow by 8am. He then gave us two plastic containers. Now I started to wonder what was the second container for. So I asked him, “Why two containers..?” like an innocent little girl. He said “One for urine and one for stool” (for few of you educated illiterates stool here is not something you sit on. Its your shit). And I was like “What..?” For that he just answered, “Your number1 and number 2. And don’t forget, bring your 1st sample”. Ya we are Indians and we wash our shit off our ass with our hands, but thats no reason why I shouldn’t feel gross about this.

It was the second grossest thing I have heard or conversed about shit. The 1st one being, when my grandma says, “I used to wash your ASS after you shit when you were young”. They say it with such pride and authority in front of dozen of your friends and relatives. And you can do nothing but give one of those stupid smiles.

Even before I could get out of the grossness of the things that I just heard I was in for another shock. My friend told me that, one of his friends who had to take similar test had to pull down his pants so that the doctor could check his NUTS (I had warned you). That thing just blew my mind away. Now what has the company got to do with my huts.? I’m gonna work using my head not my nuts..!! They had absolutely no business with my nuts. So I decided, there is no way I’m gonna pull down my pants. Never. There is no way I’m going to let another man handle my nuts.

So I went the next day with my 1st samples. I had to wait for my blood test. There were lots of people. When I say lot, it was lot. One by one everyone went in to let their blood be sucked. After my blood was sucked, I went for X-ray, then ECG, then Ultrasound. All others went through the same procedure with an extra task of getting their first samples. Yes, others who came directly to the clinic on that day were asked to get their samples in the clinic itself. How I thanked myself for coming the previous evening. It was kinda funny to watch everyone walk around with their shit and pee in their hands. Not literally of course. Then we were asked to keep our samples near a counter with our names labeled on it.

While all this was happening one guy had a problem. He was not able to shit. He told the clinic guy about this. But the clinic guy replied like a strict school teacher, “No sir I cant do without your samples. Its OK, take your own time. Have your breakfast and then get me your sample”. I just wondered whether a human digestive system is a pipe or what, put something in the top it comes down right then. I read humans take 7-8hrs to digest their food. Funny guy, I thought. A lady who overheard this had a smile on her face. Looking at her smile I had a smile. Its like one of those moments when your Biology teacher was taking a class on Human Reproduction, and he/she draws a diagram of, well you know, the reproductive parts. And then you and your friend look at each other and smile, irrespective of the gender. Ya. The same kinda thing. You smile not because of the actual thing, but you and your friend had the same thought about that thing.

After this we were asked to go for our breakfast and come back after 1hr for another round of blood sucking. So I had my breakfast and went back after 1hr. I saw the Guy-who-didn’t-get-shit with a broad smile on his face. I assumed that he was able to shit atlast. So I let my blood be sucked once again. Then the clinic guy asked me to come back in the evening to get the Doctor’s consultation.

So I went back in the evening. I had to wait for a long time before the doc called me in. He went through my reports, looked at me, and again went through my reports, then again looked at me. Then he asked me.

Doc – Do you smoke..?

Me – Yes but No. Yes I used to but no, not now.

Doc – Do you consume alcohol..?

Me – Yes. If beer is considered so.

Doc – How often..?

Me – That depends on the frequency of me and my friends meeting.

Doc – Did you have sex in the last 24hrs..?

Me – No. Not even in the last 22yrs.

I wish I answered like this. But my reply was a sincere No to all the above questions. Well, you cant be entirely true always. Isn’t it. So the doc checked my pulse, heartbeat, BP and certified that I was medically fit. And I wasn't needed to pull my pants down(Thank God). All this to tell me which I already knew, that I was “Medically Fit”. It was like telling Rajinikanth that he is a Superstar... :-)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Vijay, Sowmya and Sunil were sitting at the Blue Moon bar and restaurant.

Vij          - Where’s this Karthik..?
Sowmya - He texted me he would be here in 5 mins.
Sunil       - It’s been 10mins since he texted that.
Sowmya - Its Ok guys. He might have got stuck in the traffic.
Vij          - Ido paar’ra. Enna avnuku support ah..! (Don't try to support him, ok!)
Sowmya - Oye. Enna sound rise aagudu(Hey. Don’t raise your voice). I have your dad’s number. Should I tell him where you are now..?
Vij          - Sowmi, that's a beautiful dress you are wearing.
Sowmya - Adanguda..!! (Don't overact)
Sunil       - Guys, he’s the one who is treating us. He should have been here before us.
Sowmya - Ok we shall order some drinks till he comes.
Sunil       - Why is he treating us..?
Vij          - He said it’s a surprise.
Sowmya - I think he might have got a pay hike or promotion. He was talking about it last time.
Vij          - Life na avandu(His’ is life). AC cabin, company car and 12 out of 22 in his team are females. Avanukku engayo maccham irukku(He’s got a mole somewhere-means a Lucky person).
Sowmya - Ada chi. (You cheap)
Vij         - What chi..? Your parents will search a groom for you. He would be earning so much that he could retire even before your children would go to Kinder-Garten. But me. I have my problems. Already I have to wear a cap to hide my sottai(baldness), kannu vere mangala theriyudu(eye sight is getting blurry), if 3yrs go by, it would be a waste even if I marry.
Sunil       - Hey Sowmi, aama when is your marriage.?
Sowmya - Guys I have got a good career going. Why to spoil it just to sit at home and cook for some guy. I’m in no urgency to get married. But mom keeps on pestering me.
Vij          - Then tell your mom that you are seeing someone and need time to tie the knot.
Sowmya - Then mom would ask me to bring him home. Where should I go for this 'Imaginary Boy-friend'.?
Vij          - Idho namba Sunil irukaru la. (We have Sunil right here). Take him with you as your boy-friend.
Sunil       - Dai, inna nakkala..? (Hey, are you making fun of me.?)
Sowmya - That I cant.
Vij          - Why..?
Sowmya - Because I have told my mom that he is GAY.
Sunil       - What..?? Gay..?? Me..?? ………..but Why..??
Sowmya - Or else how do you expect my parents to send me out with you so many times, that too so late at night some times.
Vij         - (laughing) Super. Pootuko..(Give me an Hi-five)
Vij         - (laughing)Dai Sunil, who is your boy friend da..? Hey Sowmi, whom did you say his boy-friend is to your parents.?
Sowmya - (*Wicked smile*)
Vij          - What..? Naana(me)..? Is this why your mom was asking me whether I know how to cook and wash and all..?
Sunil       - Ippo pootuko.(Now give me an Hi-five)
Vij          - I’m gonna kill you.
Karthik   - Hey guys.. Wassup..??
Vij          - Vaada. Romba seekirama vandutte. (Come man. You have come so early)
Karthik   - Sorry da. Too much traffic.
Vij          - We too came by the same road, and we know how much traffic there is.
Karthik   - So are you guys ready for the surprise..?
Vij          - Dai wait. There’s some serious question going-on on my manhood. I have to put an end to this right here right now.
Karthik   - What..??
Sowmya - So how are you planning to end it..?
Vij          - I’m gonna get a girl-friend right here right now.
Sowmya - Seriously..? Well, then look at her. I think she’s perfect for you.
Vij          - If she crops her hair and wears a shirt and pant she would perfectly look like a man. May be you can use her as your Imaginary boy-friend.
Sunil       - Ava(Her).?
Vij          - Dei, en range ku soldra.(Hey, suggest someone of my range)
Karthik   - Dho andha figure..? (What about that chick..? )
Vij          - Machan nee dhan da en Friend.(Buddy, you are my friend). Super figure da. Homely face, sexy structure and good sense of fashion. Figure na iddhan figure.
Also she is standing alone and seems lost in the crowd, which means she doesn't have a boy-friend.
Karthik   - I don’t think so.
Vij          - What..??
Karthik   - Just a moment.
Karthik   - Guys, this is Smitha, my fiancée. Smitha, this is Sowmya, Sunil and Vijay, my friends. This is my Surprise.
Vij          - (In his mind) Nejamaave Gay’a maaranum poola irukke. (Seems like I have to become a Gay for real)

Monday, June 6, 2011


It’s June 6 and well past 4 in the evening. Felt the cool breeze through the glass window that was just open. Even though it was pleasant, it was quite disturbing. So got up to close it completely, but I instead opened it a bit more. Cos it was raining heavily. And it was Bliss to watch.

               Rain does bring out emotions in us, some people feel rain to be romantic, while few feel lonely, few feel depressed and low, and few feel happy. But it sure does arouse human feelings, a wide range of feelings.

               I had a rather strange feeling, a feeling of déjà vu. Not quite the one you would expect while raining. As though I already awaited this moment. It was more pleasant than the cool breeze and even more disturbing. Pleasant because I somehow knew this would happen, disturbing because it happened the exact same way I thought it would happen.

               The previous year during the same time I stood on the balcony of my college hostel, staring at the roads below long lost to the What-would-I-be-doing-next-year-this-time thoughts while it was RAINING. It was then I thought, I could be sitting in an Office, doing work which made no sense to what I have studied and may be not even noticing if its sunny or windy or raining. And here I stood doing the exact same thing. If it weren’t for the ‘Just opened window’ and the ‘Cool breeze’, I would have in all probability not noticed the rain too.

                Rain for me signifies Life, it just emanates so much Life. But I felt Lifeless, bound inside a cubicle behind the Glass window. All I could do was, get a cup of Hot Coffee and write a blog. By the time I finished writing this the coffee went cold and tasted Bitter, so did I, and my Memories…