Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Cellmate chronicles

Chronicle 1

Two guys in a jail cell.
Guy1: Who are you?
Guy2: I'm an environmentalist.
Guy1: Environmentalist? What did you do? Protest against cutting tress.?
Guy2: Nope. I grew plants.
Guy1: That's insane.
Guy2: I know, right?
Guy1: What plants did you grow.?
Guy2: Marijuana.
Guy2: Why are you in.?
Guy1: I bought plants.
Guy2: Marijuana.??
Guy1: Yep.!!

They both Hi5 and live happily in their jail cell.

Chronicle 2
So a guy was put in jail. His cellmate asked him, "Who are you?"
He said, "I'm a scientist."
"A scientist.? What did you do to be put in here?", his cellmate asked.
"I invented a new drug. It makes people behave like dogs.", the scientist replied.
"So the drug didn't work as expected and killed people?", questioned the cellmate, now curious.
For that the scientist replied, "No the drug worked alright. The guy injected with the drug pissed on a electric transformer with his one leg up. And he got electrocuted."

Wrath of the Gods

One fine day in a village, the village priest called for a gathering. Everyone gathered near the ceremonial grounds. The priest told them that he had a very bad dream. That someone was going to commit a grave sin and the Gods are going to punish the entire village for that. Frightened, the villagers asked for a remedy. A way to appease the Gods. The priest said that they were to conduct a grand ceremony, offer Gods their gifts and sacrifice a goat to absolve them from the God's wrath.

The next day a huge ceremony was organised. All the people came to the ceremonial ground with their gifts. A healthy, full grown goat was brought to be sacrificed. The priest kept jumping and dancing around in trance whilst muttering words of Gods that were not understood by men. The goat was brought to the center. The village strongman was given a machete and the priest held the goat's head. Just when the blade was about come down, a huge lightning bolt struck the village chief's house. The poor frightened animal tried to pull away, bringing the priest's arms under the blade. The lightning started a fire which quickly spread to the entire village. The priest's arms lay chopped away from him while he howled and wriggled in pain. The last thing someone saw was the villagers running to save their houses while the goat ran into the woods.

The Manager who knew Shannon.

A manager had to hire for a position in his company. This position required the person to give suggestions, depending on which the company made decisions. So 3 interns A, B and C were hired. They were informed that the person with the best success rate at the end of the probation period would be hired permanently.

The probation period ended. A had a success % of 50, B had 70 and C had 10. Everyone thought that B would be hired. But to the dismay of all, C was hired. Enraged, B confronted the manager to justify his decision. To this the manager calmly replied, "A has a success % of 50. We will never know which suggestion would succeed or fail. You have 70. It is good, but not good enough. C has 10%, but everytime we do the opposite of what he suggests we will have a success rate of 90%. You either be good at something or be good at being bad".

P.S: I read this long back somewhere on the internet as an example for Shannon's error detection and correction theorem. Couldn't find the source now. All credits duly belong to the original author. :-)

Sunday, May 11, 2014

The advantages of coming to office on Sundays

I know, I know. You would be probably wondering about the title. How can coming to office on a Sunday have any advantages.? Well, let me educate you about the various advantages of the deed. First off, you must be a highly important person if you have to come to office on a Sunday. The other ordinary nincompoops are not given such great honour. Unless you are very highly skilled at your craft, why would your company ask you to come on a Sunday sacrificing your personal life. Duh. So if you have ever gone to office on a Sunday, consider yourself special. Actually you should write it down in calligraphy fonts on a handmade paper and frame it to be hung on the walls of your home. I have three of them you know, one for Sundays, one for Saturdays and another one for coming on National holidays. What such important work I do, you ask.? Well, I work on image capturing and processing technologies on smart devices so that people can click selfies of their duckfaces to be posted on social networking sites. I know right? What would world do without me. Uff.

Now lets just assume as if I have not given enough reasons why it is advantageous. I will list the advantages of coming to office on a Sunday, in bullet points.

The non-stop elevators:
If you work at a office which is 12floors high and you sit at the 11th floor you will understand my plight. Everytime I have to go up to my floor or come down from there it's a nightmare. Not to mention the urge to punch people on their nose who use lifts to climb down a floor or two. Perfectly healthy people. And fart smell in the lift and the following awkward situation where everyone is suspecting the other person. Except the sneaky bastard who released the monster. I once got into the lift at my floor and it made a stop at each and every floor and no one got in or out. If I had been connected to a sphygmomanometer, the mercury would have broken the glass and shot up. So very frustrating. But come on a Sunday and elevator is all yours. No intermediate stops. I actually went up and came down and then went up again. Just to let this amazing feeling to sink in.

Uncrowded pantry:
I think most people would understand this. On a normal working day after a sumptuous lunch you are at your seat trying to stay awake. But sometimes the normal human limits are breached and you are left with no other option but to turn to caffeine. You go to the pantry for some double shot espresso. But there is a crowd of equally sleep induced zombie-like creatures standing there for their dose of caffeine. You want to push them all away and take your coffee and leave that place. But the stupid civility prevails and you wait till all of them are done. But come Sunday, you are the king. No queues, no waiting. It's a different matter that the milk would have been filled the previous day or there might be no milk at all and you have to drink the distasteful green tea.

Uninterrupted music time:
I love music. On most days it is what keeps me sane. If I have some work which does not involve discussions with others I turn the music on my phone or the workstation and go on about the the work. Music, like caffeine, actually makes me efficient. But there will always be someone who will come and ask/say something. And I have to pause the music and remove the earphones. Yeah, I may be slightly introvert. But I'm not unsocial. Just that I hate being disturbed during some good music. On a Sunday, the music keeps going on and on, uninterrupted. I even sing and whistle along with the songs, not caring about anyone mistaking it for a braying ass(the animal).

No need of stealth mode sleep:
This is the biggest advantage according to me. When nothing is going according to plan, when nothing is working out, when you want to escape from it all by taking a little nap and it is just 2pm. You try hard not to fall asleep. But there is only so much you can do. You close your eyes for few seconds and you are off to lala land. And then suddenly from the dark corners of the world you hear a voice calling out your name. You wake up to see your manager. You give an awkward apologetic smile and try to not fall asleep again. And for such situations we have the art of sleeping without the knowledge of others. It's a very tricky skill, learned through hours after hours of practice. And very hard to master. Quite embarrassing when caught. And not always safe. But on a Sunday, you need not worry about any of this. Feel like sleeping.? Play some soothing music and doze off to a sweet lullaby. The joy of falling asleep on your desk and not having to worry about being caught, quite impossible to put it in words.

Miscellaneous mundane daily office chores:
These are the various activities that are done during normal working days on a obligatory basis. The innumerous smiles and acknowledgements. The many group chats, both official and casual. The nonstop flow of  official mails and the replies. Having to watch out for when reading/watching something interesting on the internet. Having to update on the progress of work or the lack of it. Following a time table like a clockwork. On a Sunday, you need not worry about any of these. No people, no mails, no replies, no one is pinging you, no fixed timings to follow. It is the perfect working environment one can imagine. Whether the work is getting done or not is entirely different matter.

There people. The advantages of coming to office on a Sunday. There might be many more that I may have overlooked. So go ahead and ask your boss to assign you work on Sundays and feel all important and worthy. You have not worked enough until you have worked on a Sunday.