The Female Repellant.

        Now don't misunderstand the title. This post is anything but Sexist or Chauvinistic. To be precise, this post is about my misfortune with the fairer sex. About me being the guy who is exact opposite to a 'Chick-Magnet'. Ok, may be not that worse, but bad nonetheless. I have a strong belief that, during my formative weeks in my mother's womb, the God sprayed me with a 'Female repellant' potion after He had a heated argument with His better half(again, don't consider me to be a sexist for considering God to be a He). So that there would be at least one unfortunate soul to look and laugh at during His grumpy times. There it began. after I was born, a long journey of a small babbling baby to a squabbling school kid, then to boyhood and till adulthood. All the way wondering where and what went wrong. You see, I have a major 'Foot in Mouth' syndrome, ONLY around women. Speaking things I shouldn't be speaking, asking things that I shouldn't be asking and telling them things I shouldn't be telling.

Enough with all the build up. Now let me share 3 incidents from my life and let you decide for yourself if I'm being unreasonable in believing in this Female repellant theory.

The Girl with the Old Tiffin box
This incident happened in my primary school days, when the transition period of my-parents-getting-my-lunch-box-in-the-afternoon to me-carrying-my-own-lunch-box-in-the-morning was happening. At that time I used to sit with my cousins, their friends whom I didn't know and another mutual friend(girl) lets call her B, to have my lunch with. The process of having lunch usually goes very smoothly, with some chitter-chatter and sharing of food among all of us(which I used to hate by the way). B was usually the most chatty among all of us. Going on and on about how a boy licked off his phlegm in the class to how a cow stomped away the gobbi in front of their house. She just would never shut up. During one such day when her 2 compartment aluminum tiffin box with slide lock got stuck, I helped her in opening it. While we were having lunch, she would not keep quite and kept on talking about all the things that shouldn't be spoken while having food. So to change the topic, I asked her, "B, why don't you bring a different tiffin box. Something which is easier to open". Then she started, "You know, this is my favorite tiffin box. My granddad bought it for my mom. She used it when she went to school. Later my akka(elder sister) used it when she went to school. Now I'm using it". And she went on about its history. Unbearable, I interrupted her saying, "Oh great, when you get married and have kids, pack their lunch in the same box". There was a moment of silence and then everyone guffawed. And I knew, I made myself an enemy for life. Next day, she was missing in the lunch group. Second day, my cousins stopped coming. Third day, I was sitting alone during lunch. Fourth day, I got a new lunch group. And this time it was all boys. :D

Girls..?? Where are they..??
This happened during college. After lot of experience on how not to talk with women. I concluded that, the problem occurred whenever I talked with girls. So my brilliant mind told me that, "No talking, no problem". Therefore I decided to stop creating problems for myself. It was not like I completely stopped talking to girls, or ran away from them. It was more of a formal conversation. Reply them, when they asked me something. I wasn't afraid of them or hated them. I was just being cautious. And it was going on this way. One fine day in college when we were in the lab performing some experiment, this girl, who was standing beside me while I was trying to figure out what I was doing, asked me, "Srikanth, I never saw you talking with any girls in our class. Why is that..??" Now, I'm the kind of person who when posed with an unwanted or uncomfortable question, replies with a tinge of humor and sarcasm so that I can evade the actual question. So me being me. And that being an unwanted question. I stood up, turned towards her with a serious and surprised look and asked her, "Girls..?? In our class..?? Where are they..??" And I don't remember if she ever spoke to me again.

Block You..!!
Ah. This incident is one of my favorite. This happened few months back. I have a Facebook profile. And I had this girl from my college as one of the friends in my friend's list. I, many a times share some uncanny things like, how an ejaculation is the fastest data transfer with 1587GB transferred in about 3 seconds as each DNA consists 37.5MB of data. No, I'm not a pervert. I even like and comment on those stupid posts and pics so that fb will donate millions to poor children in some African nations. I'm a good guy, mind you. And when I post statuses, they are usually my own. I don't Ctrl+c Ctrl+v them. And when I do that, I duly credit it to the original source. See, I told you I was a good guy. Any way I digress. Coming to the original point. One day I put up a status saying, "Champions are those people, who build the bridge to success with the stones thrown at them". Yeah, nothing great, I know. But this girl liked the status and commented "Superlyk..:)". And again, me being me, liked her comment, and put up a comment below hers saying, "^^For more such knowledge contact me on Friday and Saturday nights..;-)". Obviously what I meant was, I'm at my philosophical best when I had some CH₃CH₂OH in my system. After a while another friend of mine commented on the status. So I opened the notification, expecting to see the third comment. But there were only two. Her comment was missing. Thinking it was a bug, I refreshed the page. Voila, her like was gone. Amused, I searched her name. Nothing came up. Then it struck me. She has blocked me. She fucking blocked me. From liking and commenting on my status to blocking me, in less than 2 mins. I bet no one can beat that record.

And there it is. 3 examples from 3 different stages of my life. From all these experiences I came to a conclusion that, either they were too sensitive or I was very insensitive. And being the gentleman that I am, I told myself that I have a misplaced sense of humor inside that clumsy brain of mine. And these 3 were not the only experiences based on which I came up with the theory. No. Nononononono no. There are numerous other examples and instances. As this post has already gone too long and for the fear of bricks being thrown at me and defamation and harassment cases being filed against me, I'm not not sharing them here. Also sincerely hoping that all those three girls would never read this post. Now go ahead and tell me if I'm wrong in believing in my theory. Hmpf.

Thank You - My first 55 fiction.

"It was time to close the museum, which was already empty.

He stared at the statue one last time before closing down for the day.

"She's gotta be the most beautiful woman to have ever lived", he murmured while turning back to leave.

.

.

Just then he heard a faint "Thank You" with giggle, behind him".


P.S: I realized that I haven't written anything since a long time. So am putting up this. I wrote this sometime back, but never published it. Thought that this isn't so good. But what the heck. Something is better than nothing.

And nother thing. The title isn't very creative. Couldn't think of anything better. So bear with it..:-)

QUOTES

          We all keep reading Quotes on facebook, through texts, on facebook, through e-mails, on facebook, on T-shirts, well, you get the drift, right.? We keep reading quotes now and then, here and there. But have you ever seen such situations really happening in your life..? It happened in my life and I will share the best 3 of them.

What goes around, comes back around.

          We all have a facebook account, I too have one. We all add friends, I too do it. And most of the times they are the people we have seldom spoken to in real life. What..?? It's a fact. I'm sure that atleast 80% of the people on fb have added people whom they have seldom spoken to or just said 'Hi' or 'Bye' once or twice. It happens. And its not such a bad thing. Not until you have some not-so-good intentions. So where I was.? Ya, adding people whom you seldom spoke to. When I was new to fb, switching over from Orkut(RIP), I was a little over-enthusiastic, you know, sending requests and accepting them from one and all. I usually used to search the names or search the friends list of my friends to find the people. And there was this girl I saw in one of my friend's friends list. An old forgotten classmate. Have not spoken to each other much. But we knew each other. So I casually sent her a request and forgot about it. Fast forward 1 and half years, while I was stalking on fb, I again came across her name. And I remembered sending her a request long long back. So I went to her profile, it was still "Friend request sent". I cancelled the previous request, and sent her a request again, in case she didn't notice the last one. And was waiting for her reaction. 1 day went by, 1 week went by, 1 month went by. Nothing happened. Therefore I just assumed that she wasn't interested and hit the 'Cancel friend request' button. Cut short to few months back. I logged into fb. A new friend request, and you guessed it right. It was her. I didn't understand the entire thing. I send the request twice in a span of almost 2yrs, she turns down them and now, she sends one herself. Like I became Awesome or something, suddenly. You know what I did..? Turned down her request and blocked her(Yeah, I'm a bad-ass and I know it..:D). And imagined me telling her, "What goes around, comes back around", baby..;-)

Life isn't about the big things, its the Little things that really matter.

           As-usual one fine evening I left the office at 5.35 to catch the office cab. And suddenly I felt like pissing. But due to the fear of missing the cab and since the next cab was after 2hrs, I just ignored it. It was drizzling outside after a heavy downpour. After slightly getting drenched I got into the cab. But the fact that I had a cup of coffee just before leaving and the weather being cold and me getting wet didn't make my situation any better. My condition changed from "Feel like pissing" to "Want to piss". The heavy downpour turned the roads into rivers, in turn making the traffic slow in turn making my life a bit more miserable. At one point when the traffic came to a stand-still and when we had not even covered half the distance after travelling for half an hour, exactly at that point, my condition changed from "Want to piss" to "Need to piss". It was like the focal point of my entire concentration was at the tip of my, well, you know what. And then I remembered, 20 yrs back, when I was 3yrs old, my grandma taught me to sing, Jai Jai Rama, Seetha Rama, when in deep crisis. I started saying 'Rama Rama Rama'(my mind was too occupied to say the whole thing). And after another 40mins of travelling and wading through the crowds on the road, whom I felt, were conspiring against me by blocking my path, and climbing the stairs to 2nd floor to reach our home, and after trying to open the lock and dropping the key and then managing to unlock without dropping anything and running to the toilet without even removing my shoes and after pulling down the fly and pulling out my, Primary liquid excreting organ and when I pissed, it felt like I had 100 orgasms in just a million micro seconds. It was then I realized, "Life is all about little things", like, being able to piss when you want to.

When you know the truth, its fun listening to the lie.

          This isn't exactly same as the quote, but almost similar. This happened few days back at office. My location is on the 8th floor of my office, so I usually take the lift while going up. I got into the empty lift at 1st floor. The lift stopped at 2nd floor and a girl/lady got in. And just after the lift started moving, I smelt something foul, literally. My first reaction was to lift my arm and smell it. And then I thought, "No, I had my bath, sprayed the deo and the shirt was a washed one". Then lifted my legs to check if I had accidentally stepped on some dog shit on my way. And it wasn't the case either. Then it struck me. FART. Fart has this characteristic of being louder or smelling filthier when you try to suppress it. And since I had taken a dump in the morning, and since you know when you Fart, and since there were only two people in the lift, I knew who the culprit is. And being the Gentleman that I'm, I didn't wanna hurt her already embarrassed ego. So I just turned my head the other side with a smug smile on my face and started breathing through my mouth, you know, to avoid smelling the fart. Everything was okay till the 5th floor. Now, enter the third person. As soon as the person came in, the Fart Girl started rubbing her nose, waving her hand in front of her face and all that. I then thought, either her sensory organs are too weak, thereby detecting her own fart so late or she was giving one helluva performance fit only for the Oscars. Either ways I wasn't much concerned. When we reached the 8th floor, I just barged out before her and gave her a split second glance with that smug smile still on my face. And then I thought to myself, "When you know the truth, its fun listening to the lie".

:D :D :D :D :D

Now, don't wonder about the title. Its the mood I'm in now. Grinning wide from ear to ear. How quickly our day turns from tired to lazy to super-active to super-happy. Our day, and if we could extend it further, even our lives depend upon the people we are surrounded by and their lives. And when we see them happy, we are bound to feel happy too.

I don't pray to God often. Or lets say I don't ask things to God often. Its usually a quick 'Thank You' or 'Take Care'(of me, of-course :P). If at all I ask, its for better health for the dear ones and a good and happy life for all(I know, its a bit too much. But hey, He is supposed to be the God and I'm supposed to be Good, right..??). And when such days come by, I'm sure that God was listening to my prayers with a set of Sennheiser headphones. I'm also very surprised by the fact that how, many little happy moments combine to become a very happy occasion or a happy day.

And today it was all because of my friends, and to an extent, this video. Been listening to it all day. Like in the ad it was used, "Everyday is Amazing". And yes I digress. My friends. Yes, today I'm super happy because they all are happy. If one has joined a new job this past week, to make a new career, other got a good job offer. If one has gone to Gelf for a better life another rediscovered love or started rediscovering. I know, they are all very happy. But none are as happy as me. You ask how..?? I will explain you. Lets consider they are all 100% happy, then I'm 400% happy or even more. Because happiness can only be transferred from one person to another with equal quantity or more but never less..:D

Also I sincerely hope that these things remain this way and don't turn out to be like an election manifesto of our politicians. That would be very disappointing. And you don't want me to get disappointed. It gets real bad(eyes start to become green(the pre-effect of 'The Avengers' ;-) ) ). And grinning so wide all day with my cubicle placed adjacent to the Ladies' restroom is not helping me in any way. Hope that none of them were going through PMS.

Ok folks, thats it for now. Thats all my brain can think of now. I assume my story writing ability is diminishing by the day. Need to write my B.E exams once again, that will replenish it I suppose. So go back to whatever you were doing. There are better things to do in life than reading my posts. Go Go.

And yes, did I mention that I got promoted to Senior Software Engineer yesterday..??

Yesterday, my status on FB was, "Senior Software Engineer..?? Me..?? *Scratching-my-head in puzzlement*". And I still stand by it...;-)

Ok, Ta Ta. Bye Bye.

THE SMART INDIAN

Long long ago so long ago there lived a very Smart Indian. One fine day while he was doing his routine job, he suddenly got an idea. He immediately converted his idea into an Invention. All the other Indians who were also smart but not as smart as him were amazed by his invention. Everyone congratulated him on his fine invention. The King summoned him to his court and honored him. He asked the Smart Indian to invent many such things. The Smart Indian felt very happy. The other Indians asked the Smart Indian’s permission to use his invention, for which he agreed happily. For he took pride in his invention being used by others.

Another fine day an Arab came to the Smart Indian’s village. There he saw the people using something new. He came to know that it was the Smart Indian’s invention. So he went to the Smart Indian and asked him to give him a piece of his invention for which he would pay him 5 bucks. The Smart Indian felt really happy now. Not only his invention will be used by a foreigner but also he will get paid for it. So he agreed for it instantly. And the Arab took the invention to his country and started using it there.

                Again another fine day when a Britisher went to the Arab to do business, he saw the invention of the Smart Indian. He enquired the Arab about the invention and its inventor. He saw a great potential for the invention. So he took a ship and made a voyage to India to meet the Smart Indian. When he found him, he made a business agreement with the Smart Indian. That he would pay him 2 bucks more than the Arab and the Smart Indian had to produce many pieces of his invention which he would sell in his country. Now the Smart Indian was overwhelmed with happiness and agreed for the business deal.

                

                The Britisher took the invention to his country and started selling them for 15 bucks. He got richer by the day. And an American, who saw this, got an idea. He said that he would invent something similar but much better than it. So he puts a lot of effort and invents an improved version of the Indian’s invention. Everyone was amazed by the new improved version. They start buying the new invention from the American even though it was 3 bucks more costly than what the Britisher sold.

                

                And a Chinese who saw all these got an even bigger idea. He said that he would invent something similar to the American’s invention and sell it at half the price. As he knew the American’s invention was an improved version of the Indian’s invention, he bribes a politician from the Smart Indian’s village and asks him to steal the procedure of producing the Indian’s invention for which he would pay him 50 bucks. And then the Chinese started producing the invention and sold them for 9 bucks. Since the Chinese sold the products at a lower price, others’ business fell down.

                

                The Smart Indian who was now left jobless, went to the Chinese. He told the Chinese that he has an idea by which he can produce the product at even lesser cost. So the Chinese employs the Smart Indian to produce his product at lower cost and paid him 1 buck for each piece. The Smart Indian felt very very happy. And lived happily ever after.